Writing 101: Kill Clutter

The fastest way to improve your writing is to eliminate clutter. Read over your essay and bracket everything unnecessary [or redundant], just as I’ve done in this sentence. Sometimes you’ll bracket individual words or short phrases. Look for tacked-on infinitives (“I hope [to begin] to address”), adverbs that carry the same meaning as their verbs (“I [hurriedly] ran”) and timid qualifiers (“It was [a bit] like,” “[In a sense,] I was”). Other times, you’ll bracket sentences or whole paragraphs that explain what doesn’t need to be explained.

I prefer brackets to strike-throughs because brackets feel less final. You can decide later whether to delete the bracketed words.

Note that this lesson owes a lot to the chapter “Clutter” in William Zinsser’s On Writing Well.

Exercise: Bracketing Words

Click the sentences below to edit them. Add brackets, then click “Answer” to see our edit.

Law school will enable me to utilize societal and institutional tools to combat some of the entrenched patterns of socio-economic inequality. Law school will enable me to (utilize societal and institutional tools to) combat (some of the entrenched patterns of) socio-economic inequality.

I found it seemed second nature that I could understand the sometimes very convoluted language that was used. I found (it seemed second nature) that I could understand the (sometimes very) convoluted language( that was used).

The blinds were drawn and the AC was on high as I quickly shuffled into a dimly lit, well-refrigerated board room.

The blinds were drawn and the AC was on high as I (quickly) shuffled into a dimly lit(, well-refrigerated) board room.

Note: “Quickly” actually contradicts the verb “shuffled.” If you wanted to convey the speed with which you moved, you could change the verb: “I hurried into the board room.”

My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although reflecting back on my life, I see that I have always been in preparation to becoming a great attorney.

My initial realization that I wanted to become a lawyer came late in life, although (reflecting back on my life,) I see that I have always been in preparation( to becoming a great attorney).

You could also rephrase this one to make it more firm and specific: "I realized that I wanted to be a lawyer when I was twenty-six."

The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to be able to get involved to help make changes in laws within our society.

The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to (be able to get involved to help) make changes (in laws) within our society.

This sentence would also benefit from more specificity: “The documentary inspired me so much I began to cry, and I realized that I wanted to help change mandatory minimum sentencing laws.”

I truly appreciate how these languages make the linguistic connection between human rights and law, since the promotion of increased rights for Middle Eastern women is the main driving force behind my ambition to become a lawyer.

I (truly) appreciate how these languages make the (linguistic) connection between human rights and law, since the promotion of (increased) rights for Middle Eastern women is the (main) driving force behind my ambition to become a lawyer.

This whole sentence could be rephrased: “I appreciate how these languages connect the concepts of human rights and law, for I’m interested in the law as a tool to protect human rights.”

Exercise: Pruning Paragraphs

The following two paragraphs come at the beginning of an essay. Try combining them into one short paragraph. Cut, rearrange, and add transitional phrases as necessary.

As I exited the classroom I watched in horror as the ramekin containing my chocolate soufflé began to slide, piercing the outline of piping chocolate, smearing raspberry coulis across the plate. On my way to deliver my third and final course, I saw my culinary future begin to evaporate in front of my eyes. My instructor remained quiet as she watched me place my now ruined dessert on the table. She sighed empathetically with a hint of disappointment and ushered me back into the classroom to await my results. The Army’s Advanced Culinary School had gotten the best of me.

I waited nervously as we were called out for review one by one. Some chefs returned to the classroom elated, others dejected. I felt a chill go down my spine as my name was called and I found my way to the judge’s table. As I reached the table my instructor said, “this was shocking, I couldn’t believe it,” as she turned over my score sheet with a failing grade. “You’ve got one last shot tomorrow to retest, otherwise you’ll go back to your unit for failing to meet course standards,” she continued. It wasn’t just the soufflé that day, I had made so many little mistakes that built up over those three hours and there was nothing to do now but move on and focus on my second chance.

As I exited the classroom, I watched in horror as the ramekin containing my chocolate soufflé began to slide, piercing the outline of piping chocolate and smearing raspberry coulis across the plate. My instructor remained quiet as she watched me place my ruined dessert on the table. A few minutes later, she turned over a score sheet with a failing grade. “You’ve got one last shot to retest,” she said. “Otherwise you’ll go back to your unit for failing to meet course standards.” There was nothing to do but focus on my second chance.

Words that can usually be eliminated

Truly (“I ~~truly~~ believe”)
Noticeable / noticeably (“That ~~noticeably~~ improved”)
Personal (“She was my ~~personal~~ guide”)
Unique (“It was a ~~unique~~ chance”)
The “ever” in “first-ever” (“I helped to start the first~~-ever~~ yodeling slam at Haverford College.”)